Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Chick Flick + Novel = Teary; WARNING PMS ZONE

"Hey, get out of my water glass!"

"Okay, you can have it!"

Nestor left this morning to shoot in Puerto Rico for the week. It's always stressful the night before and I usually don't sleep well. He had a car pick him up at 6:30am. Around 6:25am he came into the bedroom, gave me a kiss and hug goodbye, then gave Amelia a kiss and slipped out the front door. It's only a few days, but I always have very mixed emotions about his leaving.

He's going to work and that's always priority around's the leaving. As Mom, I don't get to leave. I'm here...ALWAYS. Day in and day out, that's what I do. It gets to me, because I don't even know how I could separate myself to leave Amelia. Nobody knows her sounds or coughs like I do. Amelia can't tell us when she's not feeling well...but even in my sleep, I can hear her breathing change and I know I need to wake up and give her a breathing treatment.

The thing is, I know for most of my friends and family, who have kids, that this is a temporary setup. There will come a day when you won't need to listen for your baby's breathing patterns, they'll call out to you or get out of bed, walk to your bedside and get you. I pray for the day that this happens with Amelia.

Which leads me to my teary afternoon. Whenever Nestor leaves town, I take a little opportunity to watch a chick flick that I know he would forbade me to even play on our TV. Today it was "Mama Mia" (I live in NYC and am the last person on earth who hasn't seen the B'way version). I was happily watching this flick when it got to the end, where Meryl Streep is singing to her daughter about all the cherished memories she holds as snapshots in her mind. It is here that my floodgates opened up and whoosh...I couldn't stop crying. I tend to not think too much about "what will be" because to be honest, with a special needs kid, you just don't know. The greatest things could be just around the corner for Amelia, but as I watched this mother get her daughter dressed for her wedding I couldn't help being sad. I don't know what lies ahead for my little girl and I want her know every joy life holds.

On the other hand, being the glutton I am, I am also reading a novel written by one of my all-time favorite authors, Kathryn Harrison (read Poison if you want a really fantastic intro to her writing), called Envy. I haven't read much yet, but it's about a married Psychoanalyst, who is a sex addict and a father of two healthy children(boy & girl), in which the little boy drowned. It's the unthinkable to lose a child. So here I am on the other side of the spectrum, crying while I read my book, thanking my lucky stars for the gift I have, Amelia.

In other words, my child may never live the life that I imagined for my child when I was carrying her in my belly. I don't know if Amelia will walk, talk, eat, go to college, fall in love and get married, have children...but she will live the fullest life we can give her. The roller coaster that is Amelia, is the most exciting, fearful, tearful, exhausting, ecstatic and blessed ride I have ever been on. Ahhh, parenthood...I guess none of us ever get to actually leave it...EVER!!!!!


Anonymous said...

My Dear Sweet Debbie,

Wow! Not easy to comment on that--I agree with everything you wrote--and feel for you all the time. The job of Mom is underrated and especially with our special little Amelia! I'd like to be there to give you a hug!

We, also, watched Mama Mia the other nite & though it is a bit soapy, we loved it. We had seen the show--but I loved the stars, the music and scenery in the movie. Yes, I, too, found that song very emotional and you did for even stronger reason than me.

I can't wait to see you in a couple of days.


Sarah Cronin said...

Hello my Lovely Friend!
As I read your blog I think of you with an ache in my heart but also a smile filled with love and admiration. You have been an amazing mother to Amelia. The child you are raising is incredibly special and making leaps and bounds. She couldn't have done it without your love and determination to make her life wonderful. Your devotion is unwavering.

I see such a different woman than when I first met you. You were great then too, but you have become a woman who knows no obstacles and whose tenacity is undeniably powerful. I know you have been through a lot of ups and downs, but it has made you the strong woman, and mother, you are today. I love you so much Deb and will always be one of your biggest fans and friends.

All my love! Sarah

Uncle Art & Titi Terry said...

Supermom Debbie,

You leave us speechless, Terry and I have watched you become 'Mother of The Year', you know no bounds when it comes to love and caring of Amelia. Both you and Amelia teach us that love has no boundaries.

Thank you for teaching us what real selflessness is about, Thank you for teaching us what love and devotion really mean. You are our mentor and true friend.

Amelia is blessed having you as her Mom.


Art and Terry

Anonymous said...

My strong brave girls! Your blog is so touching, I feel every word. I love Mama Mia and even before I had Hanna that song always got to my heart. I don't think I'll ever hear it the same ever again after reading your blog Deggie. I'll always think of you and your journey through life with your amazing Amelia. I love you and hope it's not to long before our paths cross again. ~xx Chchcheidi

Jodi Cutler Del Dottore said...

Um. *speechless*